Trouble

I wanted to find a place by the sea where I could sleep on lavenders,
Where the starlit sky and constellation would take up all the time.
I ll keep aside my cellphone in a jar and pour out my heart full of wine.
I have always wanted to be the muse.
The muse to your poetry or songs or anything that made sense,I wanted to breathe in between the lines you wrote.
I still long for the letters unwritten or written to just get saved in the draft box.
I wished for a petal and your handkerchief that reeked of love and innocence.

The streetlights and asphalt,
The pink sun and bubble wraps
The ice cream sticks and yellow wisps of smoke,
Your smile and everything else
Its all that I wanted when the daffodils were dead.. because honey you are the trouble that had me.
The trouble more like wind or waves lashing against my feet,
The trouble like my sinking legs and the sand.

Rewinding my old clock

Its strange how you left, remains as a faded memory and the person you leave for specific reasons keep talking to you without even talking..

The hard part is remembrance.
The weird part is I was nothing but yet was something to him,lately.
Time,
A bitch.
Im always late and this time too..
But this being late saved me. Probably it's better to remain far away and miss than get close and get ruined.

'Kabira'

Freud said that there are different interpretations of a dream. Its been a while that I hardly remember my dreams but there are such rare times when some dreams just carve scars minutely so that it stays and STAYS for years or so.
But this dream is much like a film sequence.

So it was a nap dream about a past figure who appeared in his weirdest way in this dream. It was a construction site later and before that a coffee shop or some kind of a shop with old green coloured checkered table cloths spread over tables and smooth timber chairs to make it look like a 'place-where-we-come-to-eat'.There was an old man sitting right beside me but it took 5 mins for that face to change into 'someone-I-knew' when I looked at him.
I remember pulling his cheeks and nagging about 'Why don't we talk anymore which ended up with a sorry for no reason'(as usual).I even remember his quirky smile and the cuddle before he gave me his plate full of chicken or something to eat.Hah! I ate that shamelessly.!!
The construction site came into the scene without any context and it's pretty dreamy weird. I saw us sitting on the edge of somewhere of that site and a fat old man climbing down the rods with a bottle in his hand trying to turn his head hard to look at us. We were having tea I suppose and there was 1 feet gap between me and him in the way we were seated. The man asked us once  "What are you doing here?"
I remember us smiling only or just not paying attention and suddenly a woman drops in who too somehow was there I suppose.
The man after a while asked all of a sudden " What is he like to you?or what are you guys"?(in bengali) ( 'O tomar ke hoy')
I remember this part so vividly..
I smiled again and said "We don't know what ARE we" (Amra ki theek janina.. amra erom e aachi).
We both looked at each other then and smiled.
The woman  who was standing there in a peaceful way added .. "I understood that" (with a smile like a goddess).
Its still so vivid..that I want to see her face again,want to hold her and cry for a moment without reasoning.

I remember after that getting up to leave and he remained there ,seated..turned to see me with a look 'One-last-time-same-as-before'..
While leaving I saw a familiar face looking at me and leaving hurriedly..I don't know who's face was it,but all I remember was that I heard somewhere far away from our place a track being played..a faded tune

'Kaaisi teri khud garzi naa dhoop chuney naa chhao,
...
Kabira,maan ja'..

Probably this means nothing,probably for one last time deep inside I wished for a dream telepathic situation.
Or for one last time I sensed an ending without a goodbye..

Drunk Rant

The whole lot of communication and fighting the urge to meet halfways had to end anyway.
Whiskey with water in my glass giving a shade of yellow, yellow of remembrance and the moments my lips touched yours.
The letters and the happy endings, my faded fantasy twirling together in the glass entailing nothing but a sound that could tear you apart inside a hollow cave. The barbed syllables that I had for you lost its track midway,I left the words wading slowly to make you feel that the maroon of our beguiling conversations are over.
Of broken chords and sweet honey whispers..
The breathing sun and running around the dingy lanes,my last peg had a dead soul dipped with a knife like word "Forgotten".
I saw cigarette smoke in between our subconsciousness and sublime kisses.
Can we just pretend for one last time that we were nothing bottled up in something?

Let's just.

Let's chase clouds together.
Let's trace a map on your skin or mine and travel to find out abandoned towns.
Towns that smell like those pages of your diary. 

Let's jump into an ocean and make love with the blue and green like never before.
Let's just skip a beat of normality and leap into the abyss.
Let's just forget everything and be nothing.
'Nothing' because it  has no weight ,
'Nothing' because we would always be able to return  to each other ,
Nothing because we would be lasting forever then.
Probably then one 'forever' would count..

YOU.

You're like the last bit of smoke before a mind storm ,
So very noxious and beautiful to taste like cigarettes and old paper books mixed with antique love , death , sins and remembrance.

They say its Valentine's week.

13/02/17

Last year,on this day, everything that mattered changed and the change remained constant. Talking about now ,
The sillage that used to haunt ,kept on haunting. Kids living on the streets kept on dancing to the cacophony of the city.
The lost souls kept on wandering , wandering towards an aimless road and the meadows meanwhile yearned for the last bit of Hemingway which was as dead as the last beautiful autumn I witnessed.
Beautifully dead , yet alive.
I saw nothing against my window , not even a dimly lit sky but the paints on the pane.
There's a guy living opposite to my place  sitting with his phone ,staring at it for a phone call probably ,
Facebook is full of red and pink and I could rarely skip those mushy posts about "How to surprise your boyfriend on Valentine's day",
There's a girl I see , who came by to meet my  mom ,sitting right beside me messaging her crush mindlessly and smiling like an idiot ,
I smell someone baking caramel cake and ofcourse Alcohol ,
Somehow this time has a shade of too much red in it and I m seeing it in black or blue ,
All these reminded me of the spring that broke it's leg and a sleepy balcony with cherry wine succumbing to death,

Everything kept on moving , kept on being perfectly regular like morning newspapers with all the irregularities that came along with it ,And I on the other hand ,counting stars and losing count, kept on missing you.