Till Time

There are gaps when you see a perfect shadow of a tree on the street.
The gap like little boxes to be filled in with colour by a child
Its strange how they fill the boxes incessantly with only a set of 24 colours
Reminds me how I failed to use them all but still felt I needed more
A whole goddamn box of colours couldn't fix up my childhood.
Because I needed a rainbow of 100 colours or a goddamn magic moondust.
Or the light through a prism creating a bloody spectrum.

I let the colour of sunlight with dust fall on to your face
I let the light fall in without any reason.
I liked the way you smiled.
Probably I 'like' the way you smile.
I let the normal change
Change because
I never wanted normal.
Never wanted perfect.

Probably I wanted the worst.
Wanted the worst verse in my mind to
Happen
Like it's never about the light always.
Like it's always about the edge in the dark.

It's how I always spilled the edge more with colours when I was a kid.
Probably
It's always how I wanted problems.
It's about strange tinge of red yellow purple maroon etc etc..
Or only something that makes up the dark in the spark with you.

Only if we part/Remember this.

The last night had been long.
Long enough for us to think about you mouthing 'I love you' but failing.

Typing and deleting.
*How do I 'feel' while 'feeling'?*
I wish Google could answer that.
On the nights that made us google words
Words.
Words to fall in love.
Words that could make mountains.
Words that made little love notes.
Words that helped me find YOU,my favourite metaphor.

Tell me we could have spilled coffee instead of mistakes that day
We could have kissed more like the powdered paints on my floor.
We could have.
We didn't.

I have written Little letters to you in my head
Sending it without letting you know.
Tell me,can you say 'Love'till you start hating the word?
The maps that your skin made.
The laughter that we shared.
The ashtray that I gave you.
Can you break them all till I could smell the brokenness within?
Tell me, could you just tear apart the newspaper that had notes for you and come back with jiggling laugh I love?
Tell me,if you could smell me in colours and leave me while kissing with smoke filled eyes?

Call it a disorder
Or the dysfunctional 'L'word.

I have seen Autumn and loved the word more
When it comes to 'Fall'.
Im trying to figure this poem out in the dark
Reading the empty holes in my mind.
Im trying to make the last verse taste like the pungent something pouring on my tongue.

The last verse
For you.
Call it me or us.
Maybe sometimes the silence in between
the over punctuated conversations
It was us
Trying to figure out the word with four letters.
You 'feel' it or 'love' till you 'hate'.

Denial

I painted my window pane with blue and red few days back,
For no particular reason when I smoke my daily bit of Classic that I secretly steal from my father's pack of cigarettes,I feel those colours talking to me
The dogs keeps on barking constantly around 3am and I'm left alone with my thoughts and rants.
The tattered houses and the street lights are more peaceful at night.
My ashtray is technically full and I have to hide it from Ma everytime she comes to clean my room.I have been doodling way too much about myself and keep on forgetting about the people concerned. Is it just me or the circumstances that I feel so aloof?
Staring at the wall constantly for hours imagining about starts colliding,cream dough,dolls that I lost, traffic lights drifting and an imaginary someone pretty much sums up my life.

I hate to say that I miss you because I don't or maybe I do because you out of all people used to listen to my rants carefully.
Those wistful eyes,weird laughs and tiny idiotic jokes used to fill up the gap easily.
My puzzle piece that used to fit.
And now with each dawn changing the day I rant alone and preferably write it down..hoping some day it might reach you in some way.